So much happens in life.
In this current season of my life, I’m becoming aware of so much duality. The ‘positive’ and the ‘negative’. The 'light' and the 'dark'. The ‘but’ and the ‘and’. So much of what we experience has 2 sides to it.
I’m feeling the pressure to return to work and the pressure to let my body digest the fact that I had an ORGAN REMOVED.
I’m feeling the push to physically connect with others and the frustration that I do not have the flexibility that I once had when I had a vehicle at my disposal 24/7.
I’m feeling grief that I terminated the life of a sacred animal who was so young and gratitude that I did not terminate my life, or my families lives in the process.
I’m feeling the pull to do something new, and the pains of what others want from me in regards to my work.
I’m feeling tired of carrying others, and yet know my purpose is to lift others up.
Working with my lifelong spirit guide ‘Cardinal’ (as in a Cardinal in the Catholic faith), AND working “Hecate” (as in the ancient Greek goddess of magic, witchcraft, the night, moon, ghosts and necromancy).
Can you see the duality?
This past week many people celebrated St. Patrick’s Day. It is such a bittersweet holiday for me. When I was little, my maternal grandmother being Irish always celebrated this day with such happiness. We would make Corned Beef and Cabbage with carrots and her favorite vegetable of all time, potatoes! And we would have Shamrock milkshakes from the Golden Arches. We would sing and dance in the kitchen, even if it was over the phone because she lived 3 hours away. When I was 24, the man who was my adopted second father and who would be my father-in-law now, died unexpectedly on March 17th. His children were heartbroken. I did what I could to help because I already knew that pain. My dad had died about 10 years earlier.
When I prepped my own traditional dinner this year my grandmother came in to guide me. Her warmth and love filled my kitchen the way sunlight does on a warm summer day. Then in the afternoon I could feel the grief slowly creep in. My heart was remembering Colin. He always made me feel welcome when I was in their home. He spoke to me like an adult, just like my dad did. He had a wonderful sense of humor and was able to put a smile on my face even though tears maybe streaming down it. Just like his son does now. I miss him. I miss her. I am so grateful for the love I experienced from both people. And still, it hurts so much to think about them. Even after all this time.
Duality. It’s everywhere I look these days.
This morning I had to help my 6-year-old daughter with her bowel movement. She had not been keeping up with her water consumption and therefor had the ‘hard poops’. As I sat holding her hand, encouraging her to breathe and push, I was reminded of my experiences with childbirth. Breathe and Push. My mother was close by but not in the room. I regret that. She should have been there. I needed her. As my daughter finished and I wiped away her tears I silently hoped I’d be there to hold her hand and help her through childbirth if that’s the path she chooses to take.
Being increasingly aware of living and dying, birth and death, mundane and magic, is utterly exhausting. I am becoming more sensitive and reclusive. It is a beautiful and painful experience. And what I am realizing is that if I do not take care of myself, if I do not put boundaries in place and keep focused on what is genuinely important TO ME, I will miss it all.
Yoda said: “[M]y ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us, binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force flow around you. Here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, yes, even between the land and the ship.”
So, thank you for your patience as I work through this season of my life. Thank you for your understanding and your compassion or lack thereof. Thank you for being here, reading this. (Thanks for something. ;) )
There are big shifts and changes happening in my Spirit that will/do affect how I show up to do the work. You may or may not like the changes to come. My promise to you is that I will continue to do my best. I will continue to share authentically. I will continue to think of others and be inclusive. I will continue to stand in love.
I may be melding in my caldron a little longer than anticipated. Great magic takes intention and time. And we all know I’m a recovering perfectionist.
All love on this the First day of Spring.
and always , xo T