I think its funny, I do my damndest to convince people that I’m just like anyone else. I don’t think they believe me. Tee hee.
In many aspects I am just like you. I live like you. I breathe the same air as you. I catch colds and the flu like you. I need to eat like you. I feel emotion like you.
I’m sure you don’t see it this way, but I also grieve just like you. I cry like you. I feel lost like you. I miss their physical presence of my people like you. I long for their smell, just like you. I want to hear their voice again too. I have insomnia like you. I can breathe like you. I feel the emotions just like you.
The difference for me is that I KNOW without a doubt that this isn’t the end. That does not take away the pain or hurt that I feel when you physically, wholly, totally miss someone. When you loved someone.
In my house March has always been a tough month. When I was a kid, it was hard work. My parents were avid gardeners. So much of my time was spent helping to grow seeds. We had a ‘living’ wall in the kitchen. Two of the 4 sides of the dining area in the kitchen were large glass windows with lots of morning and afternoon light. It was a glorious time of my life as all childhoods should be.
He died in March, my dad. He died on the first day of spring. It was his favorite time of year. Everything budding and sprouting. Always new growth. His birds returning from their ‘vacation’. Even now I giggle to think how excited he was to go to the garden center to pick up the different fertilizers and the bird seed.
I was 12, about to turn 13. He died the way I saw it in my dreams. They started showing me at the age of 7 what was to come. I’d wake up crying in a panic. Inevitably one of my parents would come in and hush me back to sleep. Telling me I was just a sensitive kid. I worried because my daddy worked a dangerous job (he was a police officer). But I knew…. I knew the way you know how the milk in the fridge is spoiled after you’ve returned from a trip, but you do the smell check just because you hope to be wrong. I knew.
I was always told that there were no accidents or coincidences in life. That fortunately, is something that each of us need to truly discover for ourselves. I loved my best friend growing up, but sometimes I wondered what we had in common. What made us so close? Why were we in each other’s lives?
It was about 10 years later that I got the call that HER father had died. He was a good man. He loved his children. They knew he wasn’t well but no one expected him to go. At least not his youngest daughter. She was 12.
He died 3 calendar days before my dad. He died on St. Patrick’s day. He was very much a father to me after my dad passed. Both men funny, and opinionated. Both men living difficult lives. Both men smokers and drinkers.
You see, no one is immune to grief. No one can erase the memories of someone they loved. That’s what makes death so terribly hard and real. You only miss that person because you loved them. They impacted you. They left their mark on your soul. You may not have always agreed with them. You may not have always approved of their actions. But you LOVED them.
Saying goodbye in the physical sense is never easy. And as time passes our bodies remember the big impacts in our life. Our soul remembers the trauma’s of this physical existence. It remembers the joys and the sorrows. This is part of our lesson here. To understand grief. To remember to be gentle and patient with one another. To allow emotions to arise and fall like the coming and going of the tides.
It’s a delicate thing this life. As a Medium I am reminded of this constantly. I don’t know if that makes me stride to be a better person or not. The reminder that this, here & now is only temporary is so very real for me. This is not to say I’m perfect. I am a far stretch from that. God knows. But maybe it makes me a bit more appreciative of the time I do have.
I always take time off in March. This year I decided to celebrate the life lived, instead of getting caught up in the pain. 23 years is a long time to miss someone. So this year on March 20th I’ll spend it doing what I love best. I’ll be connecting for you, to bring you that hope, that peace, that reassurance that they are still here. They are with us. They still exist and want us to be happy. That’s all they ever want, is our happiness.
On that note, like a few other people I know, music is a huge thing for me. And so I leave you with this song. I’m not an especially huge fan of country music, but I will say that it is genuine, written with heart and always has a message.
All Love, Truly
Randy Travis – 3 Wooden Crosses