I don't like admitting this. I hate letting others see me vulnerable. I am strong, confident & totally I charge..... Most of the time. But not today, not for a while actually.
Many of you know I'm more of a natural type of girl. It's rare that I take a Tylenol for a headache. There are many reasons for this, my personal views on drugs being one & how it affects my work & my lifestyle being another. I had both boys naturally.
I sit here in the hospital for the 3rd time in 2 weeks, tomorrow will make it 4 times. I really dislike hospitals. This one in particular as I lost my dad here. Hospitals are hot spots for spirit.... Think about it.
From the time I step on to the curb to the time I leave to come home I always have 'someone' with me. I've had all types of 'spirit' come through; nurses who can't let go, doctors that don't feel they were able to make enough of a difference & of course patients who never made it out. I'm sure you can imagine how 'busy' it really is in my head. Most of the time if I ask to be left alone they respect my wishes. But just as there are living people who cross the line, there are dead ones who do too. That's when I'm so thankful to have my dad with me. He was always great at 'crowd' control. He even helped save the Eaton Centre from the Riots in the 90's.
You may think that the mother & baby unit or Labour & delivery unit are quiet..... They are far from quiet. Especially in this hospital as it was once the mental health unit...... Spirits come & go all the time. Spirits love new babies just as much as we do. Maybe even more so as babies can see/feel/hear them. Its comforting to know that they always have someone around, mostly family & loved ones. Spirit in these units / departments always comes with best wishes.
I on the other hand would have rather stayed home. At first it was the placenta Previa that was forcing me into a hospital birth. That cleared up & I was taken off bed rest, only to find out later that week that I have obstetrical choliostasis.....
It's a big term to say that my gallbladder isn't working properly and therefore effecting my liver, which I turn is running slower than it should. It means I am becoming toxic!
It's now a race against time; if the baby stays in too long (going to term) I will have a still born, but if they take the baby too early that can create many other complications.
To say I am terrified is an understatement. This is my 13 pregnancy. Yes, 13! The nurses and doctors think I'm crazy I'm sure. I have my 2 happy healthy boys (they youngest turned 3 today), and I miscarried 11 others all before the end of the first trimester. This baby is my last. I am finally throwing in the towel.
I had planned a beautiful home water birth with my amazing midwives & my incredible doula. My family would be present to welcome our new member right away & shower them with love. Letting this go is necessary but not easily done. I am heartbroken.
I am now facing another hospital birth, which will be induced in the next 2 weeks or so, which may or may not turn out to be a c section (which means even more hospital time) as this little one is still Breach.
I'm exhausted, itchy, sore, uncomfortable, fight daily with heartburn, vomiting & headaches. I'm delighted to be pregnant & am really looking forward to meeting this little one. In the end all I want is a healthy happy baby.
So, if you've wondered where I am..... This is where I am. In the incredibly busy loud hospital trying to keep my sanity. Listening to the living & the dead, waiting for the time that I can walk out of here with my baby in my arms.